This Stage

Even though I was well aware that my children were eventually going to leave our cozy nest, the emotions of this stage of life have caught me a little by surprise. For me, this stage has had a little more grief and loneliness than I expected.  This stage seems to have more than its fair share of transition and loss.  And this stage seems to have fewer resources of “how-tos” and encouragement.  I haven’t received a lot in the way of guidance or thoughts on how to live this stage well.  Perhaps raising TCKs abroad and sending them “home” to what can feel a little like a foreign country adds a layer of complication to our situation.  People’s stories vary so greatly.  Maybe that’s why it’s hard to offer advice.  It definitely feels like uncharted territory for me, so I’ve been trying to ask questions of those who have gone before me.

I recently asked one woman who was here briefly with a church group, about doing life as an empty-nester.  She told me, “I’ve been in this stage for about 10 years and I am still figuring it out. . .”  I didn’t know her before that conversation, and she doesn’t live abroad now, but she did spend a number of years raising her kids in Asia.  The conclusion I drew from our brief conversation, is that she is a godly, growing woman with strong relationships with her husband and children.  She is plugged into the body of Christ, connected to and serving her community.  She is warm and inviting, full of joy and excited about Jesus! Still, 10 years in, she is struggling a little through the process of empty nesting.

Perhaps because each mom, kid, and situation is so different, any sort of adjustment timeline can vary significantly. Some of my friends look like they have made this transition seamlessly.  I heard from one friend that this time of life could be called “the perfect nest,” so I know it’s not all doom and gloom.  I’ve been told that it gets easier once your children are married.  I’ve also talked to a couple of women who have told me that they LOVE being parents of adult children.  Over lunch, I shared some of those conversations with my husband and kids.  I felt greatly encouraged to hear that parenting can still be really great as your kids get older, but my two younger sons (ages 16 and 18 at the time) blurted out, “But Mom, we’re not adults yet!”  My about-to-be a freshman in college son commented, “I’m probably about 5 years out from that point.”

Maybe that’s what I am finding hard about this particular stage of emptying our nest. My children are independent, but not totally independent.  They need me, but they don’t always need me.  Day by day they grow more responsible for their own life decisions.  Sometimes I hear about things after the fact.  It’s not that they don’t want to involve me; it’s just a part of living thousands of miles away, on a completely different continent.  They now have mentors who are present in their day-to-day lives and they have developed/are developing a solid network of their own friends and counselors.

Some days I am a little unsure of the role I play in their lives. Before, the title of “mom” seemed to have a self-evident job description, but it doesn’t really feel that way anymore.  I can also see that much of my identity for the past 21+ years has been wrapped  up in the business of motherhood, and now that our children are leaving the nest, it feels like a chunk of my identity has left the building as well.

That said, with a lot of prayer and trial and error, I’m slowly moving forward in this new chapter of motherhood. I’m learning to observe our boys as make their way on their own, trusting they will ask for help if they’re out of their depth.  I’m trying to be aware and available, but not overly involved so that they have plenty of room to grow.

Just the other night Davis told me that he’s planning to hold watch and pray at his church from 2-3 am on Thursday of Holy Week.  I was thrilled that he is worshiping and participating in the life of his church in this way, a little nervous that he would be out in the city middle of the night.  Davis patiently listened as I formed my questions and cautiously asked them.  “You did this last year, right?. . .Did you sign up to do this by yourself or with a friend this year?. . .So, you’ll be leaving the church at 3 am by yourself?”  He read between the very wide lines and kindly told me not to worry, and that he will be safe.  The church is located in a safe neighborhood populated with a number of elderly people.  I resisted the urge (because I knew I was being irrational) to tell him I’ve seen plenty of TV shows where horrible crimes happen in those very same, “safe” New York neighborhoods. Elderly people aren’t the problem, it’s those who mug and rob elderly people.   Instead, I mustered up my courage and said, “That’s great!  I’m so glad that you’re getting to do that again this year.” And I truly meant it.

In that brief moment, I made a choice to walk by faith. It may sound like an insignificant step, but for me it was a step towards trusting God in a new stage of motherhood.  I believe that the Spirit was speaking truth to my heart in that moment.  The truth is that my children have a Heavenly Abba Father.  He is ever present, ever aware, and full of wisdom.  He’s never tired, never too busy, never frazzled or short-tempered.  He knows their every need and their deepest heart’s desire and He is writing their story with grace and mercy, with love and tenderness, and with their growing Christlikeness in mind.  I was, and still am a significant part of that story, but my role in their lives is changing and I can rest and revel in that. I am so grateful that our Abba Father continues to write my story in the same way he is writing theirs; and that He will parent and guide me through this stage of life gently, wisely, and to His glory.